who are we?

I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the violence we see in this country. I think about this a lot. I notice so much of the violence comes from the male population and it makes me even more curious as to why this is the case. When have we heard of a female shooting up a cinema, school, church, etc?? I don’t think I have heard of any. This is NOT to bash the males of society, but clearly there is something very wrong with the way our culture is operating. On Christmas Day, I heard an opinion of an active police officer who took issue with the media. His comments were that the media blows the stories up and gives the stories/issues way too much attention. And then he linked it to kids wanting attention. They watch someone on TV getting all that attention and think, “hey, i can do that too!” I think there is some validity to all his comments, but its deeper than that. What is it in males that make them want to hurt, KILL…take a life? Is it easy because they place no value on life. Where does that come from? The understanding of the value of LIFE. Clearly, anyone who kills themselves in the process of killing others has no value for their own life. Fine, but why is it necessary to eliminate others? Maybe because we live in a society that wants to blame everyone else. Think about it for yourself. Be Honest. Who do you blame? Why? Think of the people in your life. Who do they blame? Look at the government. There is a true and tremendous lack of accountability and self-responsibility in our culture.

I remember as a kid I wasn’t afraid of guns…probably because they weren’t really a part of everyday life as they seem to be now. I walked to school almost every day by myself. I walked home everyday. You know what I was worried about….i was scared the cats on a particular street would all attack me at the same time. Seriously! There was a ton of cats on this street and they all looked very spooky with wicked eyes and they scared me. I started to walk down a different street.

I was also scared someone might kidnap me. Kidnapping seemed to be more in the news when I was a kid.

Is it really about guns? I don’t know. I think it’s about more than the guns. We have big problems with how we think and behave as a society. Parents need to be better parents. And then at some point, we all have to get responsible. And yes, part of this i think has to do with people feeling loved and being nutured. When was the last time you heard of someone committing a mass murder who was a loved kid, had a stable and healthy home life? These are not the people committing the crimes.

I come from a family where this male-as-criminal phenomenon is crystal clear.

In my immediate family and my extended family on one side there were 9 boys i grew up with and all of them got into trouble with the law and used drugs. None of them graduated from high school or college. All were having problems and/or arrested by the time they were at least 15 years old. Some of them remain in prison and/or continue to live on the streets, addicted to drugs. All were members of a gang at some point. The main commonality between all of these boys: no father figure whatsoever. No stable home life.

It’s not rocket science, but it’s not just about the guns, either. As a society, what are we committed to? It sure doesn’t help that our society looks completely down on those who have mental illness, even depression. There are such gigantic stigmas with mental illness that people who need help, even in low doses, probably don’t even attempt to do so. Or the parents don’t get help for their kid. Or the places they try to go to for help are such poorly run institutions, they opt out. More money from our government needs to be allocated to help those with mental illness. PERIOD.

p.s. for the record, I am NOT pro-guns.

Life is about c…

Life is about constantly making adjustments. adjusting one’s expectations, adjusting one’s goals. adjusting one’s outlook and perspective. If we don’t adjust, we may as well just cosider ourselves stuck forever in a rut. Sometimes adjustments are easy and sometimes not. Think of the most recent Olympic track and field trials where a few sprinters missed being on the US team by fractions of a second…no London for them. How about making that adjustment!!

 

Adjustments — it helps if we can keep open minds and remain flexible. Obviously, we aren’t saints and it is not always easy to be open minded and flexible. Life happens. We get angry and frustrated. Yesterday, I had a shortened work day so i decided to use it as an opportunity to go for a random bike ride. Thought it would be good for my legs and be awesome to just ride and go fast on the open roads of westside Petaluma. (i was also in kinda crappy mood and thought it wouid help) Ride today and get a run in tomorrow, I thought. 

First thing i rode about 1 mile over to the bike shop to buy some new gloves because somehow the ones I had are no longer around. Lost somewhere in my cross country move, I guess. So, I got some sweet new gloves and got my tired pumped a bit more and off I went. Headed west towards a loop trail i just heard about from a couple of people in town. All was going fine until I hit a small hill on the way there…only about 1 mile into ride…and I noticed my gears were not working properly. The lowest 3 gears kept shifting on their own and making the peddaling erractic and very frustrating. I kept going, but knew this was gonna be an issue cause I heard the route would be rolling hills and some bigger than others. I cruised down the backside of the 1st hill and headed onto Chileno Valley and started what looked to be a lengthly gradual uphill and started to shift again….more of the same shifting. UGH. UGH. UGH. I stopped and got off the bike and flipped it over. I looked at the wheel and gears, etc..and hand pedaled it to see if I could see the problem. BTW, I had no clue what i was looking for….as I have NO CLUE about fixing bikes. Of course, i couldn’t see anything and I gave up. In this little moment, alone, on this gorgeous road filled with Eucalyptus trees on one side and blonde grass on the other, I was extremely pissed off! I wanted to throw my bike as far as i could. WOW….guess I had some built up frustration from something else!! I turned around and figured I would just go back home. UGH. I so wanted to ride….

On the short ride back into town, it donned on me that i COULD still ride and just ride around town where it was flat. DUH!! I thought about the roads I could go on that were pretty with not a lot of traffic. Off i went, slowly recovering from my temper tantrum. Yes, I think that is what it was. THINGS NOT GOING EXACTLY HOW I EXPECTED!!!!

I ended up riding for just over an hour and while there were stop signs and stop lights along the way, I still got in some good miles. I was very happy that I made the ADJUSTMENT to keep riding instead of throwing in the towel all together. It wasn’t what I had orignially wanted or planned, but it all worked out. Now, I just gotta get my gears fixed….

 

OK…so, now it’s the holiday, 4th of July. My plan was to get a run in…not sure how long. 4 mile maybe. a little faster than usual. I woke up late at 9am. I figured i must have needed it. Don’t fight the body. if it sleeps, it sleeps. It needs it. But still…9am was late for me. I usually am up by 7am on non-work days and 5:30 on work days. Anyway, I had coffe and toast and headed out the door at 10:30am. My legs were pretty sore from 1) 2 days ago aquats, lunges, etc and 2) bike ride yesterday. I know cycling does not burn a lot of calories, but it sure makes my legs sore. Maybe an hour ride was a lot for someone who doesn’t ride? I have no idea.

So, I started running and my pace was fast. I knew I was way too fast and my energy level just faded. My thoughts quickly recall what I ate yesterday…not much at all!! NO FUEL.  + pretty sore legs + warm weather. 1st mile was 8:37. I just stopped. There was no way I would keep that pace up for 4 miles and I didn’t want to keep running slower than 9 min pace. I could feel my body just not “have it” (i also had 2 cocktails last night…that also makes a difference…) 

Unlike yesterday, I was not angry or frustrated about what was happening…I simply just made the adjustment….I walked for a few minutes and then just figured I would run some 1/4 mile intervals. 

So I did. I did 4×400 at just about 2:00 each and I felt good about it. Even in this shortened, adjusted workout, I pushed myself and made the best of it. Made something out of nothing. 

 

Now, its time to eat better and get ready for a better run tomorrow and then again on weekend. Race day is approaching.

 

I guess my unsolicited advice is to be willing to adjust. Be willing to let go of what you expected and make the most of what you have. if we can do this, the moment will be that much better for us. I think there is ALWAYS a way to make it better. It just might take a bit of getting “over” ourselves and being just a little bit bigger. 

 

Week 13: Run Report

Week 13 —

Ran a couple more days on my FREE pass the local (NICE) club. Probably won’t end up joining though as my permanent living situation has yet to be determined. I may join if I find a place to live in town, but we’ll see. It’s not cheap to join the fancy club!! However, I do enjoy their facilities and all the equipment they have, so it might be worth it —

Legs were not feeling great all week. Did another trail run at Helen Putnam on Saturday. This was a 4 miler on post-rain trails. It had rained pretty hard the last 2 days and so parts of the trail were muddy and very slippery. I slid backwards a couple of times while I was on some uphill climbs. Fun, but it made me go a bit slower and be a little more cautious in my footwork. Overall though, my pace was better than last week (that was a 5 miler) Still…a great run on some tough trails that should give me good preparation for the trail race on April 14th.

Ran another 4.25 miles on Sunday through town.

Week 13: Total approx miles 15

***Tomorrow, April 2nd, I will officially begin my new Half Marathon Training Program put together for me by Nike. I will give more details on this soon! Very excited about it!

Week 11 Run Report

A big delay in posting about Week 11. It’s hard to recall some of the runs. Midweek I did 2 runs; a 40 minute run where I don’t know the mileage. The next one was the highlight run of week: 3 miles at 8:13 pace through downtown Petaluma. If you know anything about my running, you know that this is a super fast pace for me. I don’t know how it happened, but it just did. I was flying. It felt awesome, even though I felt my heart was about to burst through my chest. Everything was just on…legs felt loose, body was rested and off I went. Of course I would love to run longer at that pace (and faster), but today, it was enough for the 3 miles. I surprised myself and it gave me a boost. Saturday, I ran 3.25 and then a good 7 miler on Sunday at 9:16 pace, and I was satisfied with that pace. 

I have some pretty cool news to share. One of my near term goals is to break the 2 hour mark in the half marathon. (which I have mentioned here time and time again!…I will DO IT) 

Well, @nikerunning reached out to me on twitter and asked if I would like for them to design a customized training plan for me to reach a particular goal. I enthusiastically responded, YES!

The asked me to send in a bio of myself with current and past training and what goal do i want help with. I responded with my sub 2 hour half marathon goal and they have now supplied me with a plan. And man, IT IS A PLAN! I am going to try and post it to this blog somehow. The main thing that came across to me is the time they took to do it. The plan seems very well thought out and very customized. Just to let you know, it was about 6 weeks after their initial contact with me that I got the plan. I feel fortunate, definitely. I’m sure I am not the only one they reached out to via twitter, but I’m sure glad they did! 

I’m scheduled to start my plan on Monday April 2nd. They have incorporated some stretching and strength/power building session in among the running sessions. I’m excited to begin and now just need to pick a race to add to the calendar. 

Now, I just wish I could get my hands on a pair of these NIKE FLY KNIT RACER Shoes…but alas, they won’t be available until the Olympics or afterwards.

I eagerly await……

 

Week 11: Total Approx Miles 18

On The Road

I thought I would be supremely inspired to write now that I am on the road, but truth be told, I have not been inspired in the least! But, perhaps…that is where to begin. 

I left Atlanta this past Monday, Jan 23rd.  The “yellow brick road” was a very wet one. Rained for the first 2 hours until I hit Birmingham, AL. Afterwards, smooth sailing into my first destination, Oxford, MS. Notes about Oxford: a quaint, clean town. Home to University of Mississippi or more commonly known as OLE MISS. Lots of red brick buildings (typical of the south) and a cute “historic”downtown square. For you readers out there, William Faulkner made Oxford his home as did John Grisham for many years. Surprisingly, I did not find the locals there to be all that friendly. Strange, I thought. I did find a good bookstore and a place for breakfast. The breakfast place is called Bottletree Bakery! Wonderful granola! I did go for a run there, but will share about the running in my weekly recap. 

Next stop: Little Rock, AR

I departed Oxford and headed west, then northwest to Little Rock, AR, bypassing Memphis. I chose this more northerly route because all the other times (3) I have been across country, I have traveled thru Texas and wanted to see some other states this time. Unfortunately, there was not a lot to see on this drive to Arkansas. I pulled into Little Rock late in the day and actually just ate dinner at my hotel. I wish I had something more exciting to tell you, but I don’t. I’ve been staying at Holiday Inn Express Hotels and so far, all have been pretty good places to stay. You know I am a coffee snob, so I have not had too much of the hotel coffee and the next morning, I went in search of a coffee shop in little rock. I actually wanted to serif I could find alternate places to Starbucks. I tried. I found a place and ordered a regular coffee. I hate to say it, but I left and had to chuck the coffee…yikes. Ok…where is nearest Starbucks…

..I found it! Ok…onward to Oklahoma City! 

More rain greeted me on this third day of my journey. Rained a good bit, but pulled in OKC with blue skies and sunshine.  I easily found the main downtown area and more specifically, the basketball arena. I had considered going to the NBA game that night, but then decided against it when I could not find a hotel room anywhere nearby! Bummerstay had to stay on the outskirts of town and saw a Mexican place within walking distance. I thought maybe this place would have good food and margaritas, but no…damn! Well, at least the meal was cheap…I am without a job, you know! 

I ran the next morning and then took off for East New Mexico. I mean no offense to anyone who lives in either OKC or Little Rock, but as I spent just a little bit of time there, I found both places to be rather dreary and depressing. Perhaps, it is because of winter. All I can say is that being there made me appreciate where I have lived (Atlanta) and where I am headed to next (SF)

From OKC, I headed west and then Southwest and stayed in a very small town called Santa Rosa, NM. I could have gone longer, but I am trying not to drive more than 6-7 hours a day. Beyond that, it just isn’t too much fun! I got a recommendation for dinner and margaritas from the hotel front desk clerk. Both the food and margaritas were better than my previous 2, but still far from what I am accustomed to….I guess I am becoming a margarita snob in additon to a coffee snob. OK. I can probably live with that….

I love the SouthWest. When you drive across it, it’s hard not to just continuously drop your jaw in disbelief over the beauty of the landscape. And the quiet….ahhh, it’s so amazingly quiet. One of the things I have noticed since I have been traveling is how my mind has just been quieter and quiter….the inner noise is virtually non-existent. It’s as if the driving has been my traveling meditation. Wonderfully peaceful. 2 weeks ago, my head was filled with so much stress, noise, worry….and it has all but simply fallen away….no doubt some of it will come back, because actually a certain amount of stress is good, but it’s nice to have the quiet for now, both internally and externally. 

I left early the next morning and headed towards Flagstaff, with a brief stop in Albuquerque. I thought I might stop and stay in Santa Fe or Taos, but as I got closer and closer, I was just now drawn to do so….I think I just want to get “home”. I stopped for a cappuccino and a couple of grocery items in Albuquerque and then kept truckin’ on to Flagstaff, AZ. And that is where I currently am, Flagstaff. Cool little town in Northern Arizona! Decided to stay 2 nights. Ran this morning and will catch up on the running posts tomorrow. Hope to get another run in tomorrow morning before heading to Las Vegas! 

 

lately

Been forced to do quite a bit of thinking and evaluating lately about ATTACHMENT and AUTONOMY and CONTROL. Well…i feel like these thoughts have been all consuming for a while, but even more intensely the last 3 weeks or so.

ATTACHMENT (defined): a feeling that binds one to a person, thing, cause, ideal or the like.

Why do we get so attached to things or ideas or causes? Why does it feel so torturous when the “string” is cut, so to speak? Sure, it’s super easy to just keep thinking, “just let go, just let go”, but when you feel like the thing or ideal is as much a part of you as your arm or leg, it’s hard to “let go.”
When the “string is cut”, it DOES feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath and of course, all hell breaks loose inside. No one likes that feeling. Of course, Pema Chodron, the great buddhist nun author has a field day with the whole rug thing:
“Everything is changing all the time and we keep wanting to pin it down. to fix it. So whenever you come up with a solid conclusion, let the rug be pulled out. You can pull out your own rug and you can also let life pull it out for you. Having the rug pulled out from under you is a big opportunity to change your DNA. One way to pull out your own rug is by letting go, lightening up, being more gentle and not making such a big deal.”

Whew. Gosh, why does it sound so easy?

And then there’s this whole thing about Autonomy!
Autonomy (defined): Independence or Freedom

Well, that’s been me in a nutshell. If you ask anyone in my life to describe me, INDEPENDENT, is most likely a word that would come up. I didn’t just get that way last year or 5 years ago. I have been that way my ENTIRE life. First by circumstances and then buy choice.

If you see a wild and free animal out and about doing their thing and then all of a sudden, they become captured and are forced to live in a cage, you can probably guess that said animal is not happy. Might become angry, might “fight” against and with their captors. And then who knows, all hell might break loose. Makes perfect sense. For the first time, I finally get what all the hoopla is about regarding endangered species. I do. I understand. More than I want to.

And then there is this thing about CONTROL! So, I guess I have discovered how much of a control freak I can be. Let me just say I have NEVER EVER described myself as such in the past. But, the events of the past month or so have shined the light so ever brightly on this oh-so-endearing characteristic that I was nearly blinded. In fact, I may have been blinded for a few hours due to the stinging “headlight” in my face. As I think about autonomy and control, i can’t help but wonder if the two go hand in hand. Are independent people more controlling than others? Hmmm…

So, Controlling+Autonomy+Attachment is what I am wrestling with. The bight lights, the full length mirror are in my face, following me around. I need to be the humble student, but it’s not easy.

You know…I’ve actually prided myself all along on being very good with attachment stuff…HA. Who knew that my work was not attachment to a person but to a thing, a process, an ideal…

(THUMP) Did you hear that? That was my ass hitting the ground as the rug just got pulled out from under me.

today

Can you see it? It’s there…just up ahead a bit. You know, that place…that place. No, that STEP. That step you want to get to is right there. You are on your way to reaching that step that will take you higher, that will invigorate your spirit once more, that will inject spiritual juice into your veins of life.

You’re a dreamer. I know. And to reach dreams, we must first reach steps. Each dream, every goal has steps that must be met and surpassed along the way. You are well on your way. Don’t look back. Forge ahead. There will be plenty of time to look back later. Keep shedding what is no longer needed and useful. Thank it with dignity and grace and then shed. Move on. Keep the load light and your heart open. Keep your arms loose and your eyes focused.

Feel your heart beating faster? It’s working hard for ya. Be good to it.

The crest is close…up around the bend. Rise up. Keep going.

Keep Soaring.

recollection

My eyelids barely open. they keep fluttering between slightly opening and closing, i hear voices telling me things, then asking me to answer questions. i can barely comprehend. bright lights surround me. and wires, tubes, cords. what the hell are these things on my stomach? they look like bugs. dead ants or something all in a creepy pattern on my body. they aren’t moving. are they dead? where am i?

you are in the hospital. you are at children’s hospital. you’ve been in a car accident.

i’m assessing my body and taking it all in. slowly. the tubes up my nose, coming out of my left lung; in my arms; my legs suspended in the air in some weird contraption and whatever the heck is on my stomach.

some doctors come in and tell me they are going to do something to my left arm. next thing i know, they are drilling what looks to be a nail into my elbow. i feel nothing. i am so doped up. moments later, my left arm is also suspended in the air. three limbs now suspended in the air, in traction, they called in. my young little brain is spinning, trying to understand what has happened. how weird it is to be surrounded by strangers doing weird things to my body.

where is my family? here comes Father Mangini from St. Leanders Church. What is he doing here. That’s weird. Ah, here’s my brother, Joe. Where is mom? Oh, she is probably getting something for me at the gift shop.
Father Mangini and Joe came over to my bedside. On my left side. I asked, “where’s mom?”
Our priest said, “your mom died.”
“Oh no”, I said as I turned my head away to my right side.

celebration

Caught myself in one of life’s precious moments earlier today. I didn’t start my run until about 11:00am, which of course meant it was a wonderful sauna outside. 88 degrees, 65 percent humidity. I struggled thru 6 miles and just allowed myself to walk quite a bit after running the first 2. My head felt so hot, my heart was beating rapidly, and yet my pace was slooooow. Just a typical day of running in the south, eh? Ok…so…I ran thru the Celebration, Florida neighborhood where seriously everything looks so perfect….perfect grass, perfect sidewalks, everything so clean and crisp. A very quiet, cute community about 12 miles from Disney.
About 30 minutes into run, I was able to stop in a a building and soak my bandana in cold water and refill my water bottle. I wrapped the cold, wet bandana around my neck and proceeded with the run. Er…run..walk…run…walk…
Whole body was feeling some fatigue after yesterday’s run plus the 7 (fun) hours of walking around Magic Kingdom! Ok….so…I finished up the 6 miles and went straight to the pool to meet up with my pals who were exercising their option for pool time instead of run time. I rinsed off at the cold outdoor pool shower and then hopped in to join them. After probably 15 minutes, we saw some infamous Southern rain clouds coming in and made our move out of pool. They had brought their towels, of course, but since I had come from running, I did not. I decided to just go ahead and walk back to condo in the rain. What did it matter, I was all wet anyways? As I began walking, the drops and speed of rain became more intense and we were in full on thunderstorm. I was outside of the pool gate area and stopped and waited for my friends to see me. I did one of my “open arms” poses where I held my arms open as wide as I could and tilted my head back. The large, warm Florida drops washed over me, poured down over my head, over my glasses and all over my body! I felt like I didn’t have a care in the world. I kept walking back to condo and then started running barefoot, in the middle of the street with the rain falling all around. I was smiling big. This is life, baby! Tasting life…

my share

Gosh, was it really that long ago? Nearly 28 years. Yes, somedays, it truly seems that long ago and other days, as if it were yesterday. My memories, sometimes, so close I have difficulty breathing thru the choking grief. Other times, you are very far away – sometimes as if you were never there. And yet, you were. So many of your traits, both physical and not, have I inherited; your seriousness, sentimentality and a hope for goodness in all humans. Yes, those things are with me. A love of music and singing out loud no matter how good or not your voice is – yep, i got that too.

On occasions such as now, i cannot help but wonder how our relationship would have evolved – what would it be like today? If you were still alive, you would soon turn 68 years old. I wonder if you would have gotten healthy or continued down a sad path of self-destruction. Maybe you would have gone to therapy, turned all new-agey and led spiritual retreats. Or maybe your self-destruction would have caused us to drift and separate and become an old mother-daughter very difficult relationship.

We’ll never know. We were robbed. Or saved. Perhaps.

There were many times it was not easy to be your kid; you could be aloof, mean, hysterical, and rough. But. You were my mom. The one I went to when I hurt myself. The one I went to when I came home excited from events at school. The one to whom I said, “I love you, mom.”

I miss seeing your face and your eyes get all teary when i gave you some mushy hallmark card.

I miss being hugged.

I miss seeing your face light up, knowing I made your proud.

I miss knowing that I had you, mom.

And. So.

I thank you. For Giving Me Life.

For Giving Me Love.

For teaching me that we are all equal no matter what color or sex or if we look goofy or not goofy. Thank you for teaching me not to lie. Thank you for teaching me to stand up for what is right. For Justice. For those who need a voice.

Thank you for believing in me and for teaching me that I Could Be Anything and I Could Do Anything.

Your words did not fall on deaf ears nor did they go in one ear and out the other.

I heard you, Mom and I thank you.

With all my heart, I love you and hope you are resting in deep peace.