blessings in disguise ?

So, if you have been following, you know how I have been feeling. No kidding, i really felt like I was done with the race training that Sunday Sept 20th. I was fed up, bummed out, pissed off, and somewhat confused. I tried to just let it all go for the rest of the day (not so easy when there are not many distractions). I also tried not to get too down on myself and not try to figure out the answers. Reading your posts DID help, so THANK YOU, fellow readers.

I just kinda let go for last Monday and figured I would see how Tuesday went. Tuesday came and I felt like running. So, I did. And had a good time. A good 5 miles with no expectations. Wednesday came and it was a repeat; another good 5 miles. Just kinda enjoyed it. Thursday swung around and i just did a little 3.1 on treadmill. By this time, I knew I would try again for a longer run on weekend so I didn’t want to push too hard.

All week long, I was in much better spirits. There were a couple of weeks there where it seemed like all I was hearing about was DEATH or those NEAR DEATH. Nobody directly in my life, but it still has an effect on me. And it was a bunch of news all together. For me, I am not one of those people who need to hear about death to start living or to do all those things you don’t do or say until someone dies. I really do try to live like that all the time. The losses I experienced in my early years taught me that…So, hearing about death now doesn’t strike me in such ways. I feel most struck by it in just the finality of it all. The true loss of life. The loss of breath. The loss of smiles. It becomes so heavy, ya know. And so, all that heaviness was weighing on me and i think some of my “disaster” run that Sunday was in part due to that heaviness.

And, nothing like a good ‘ole birthday to bring some levity. I turned a whopping 39 years last Friday! Who-Hoo! And you know, I feel damn good about those years… they have been characterized by many things both extremely heavy and wonderfully light and I am just glad to still be here. Glad to still have my fingers and toes. Glad to still have my sight, my hearing, my vision. Glad to still have a strong, beating heart.

The weekend came and I ran a short 5 on Saturday. Nothing too noteworthy there. Sunday was the big day. I went to the comet and started at zero mile marker and headed west. The temperature was perfect. Low-mid 60’s with a small breeze. The remnants of some earlier rain had left the trail wet in some spots, peppered with a few fallen leaves. The smells were fresh and delicious. I had to stop by iPOD every now and again just to be with it all…to hear the organic sounds around me. I was very surprised at how i felt, physically. It’s almost as if i was expecting my body to quit or really hurt with each passing mile. But, it really didn’t. I was pretty focused and felt strong. Sometimes my back will feel tired or my quads will feel heavy, but not this time. It really wasn’t until mile 15 when my hip flexors started to hurt some. I actually think i could have pushed for more miles, but during the final mile, i got a terrible know in my stomach. I think it was all related to my intake of gels. Sometimes, i think it might be a too much sugar thing. i am not sure, but it goes away pretty quickly. Nonetheless, still finished 16.25 and felt great. So relieved. So much happier.

I am glad. I am thankful. To be here for another day. To have had a better run. To be able to open my mouth and taste life. TASTE LIFE peeps. TASTE LIFE.

September 27: 16.25 miles – Silver Comet

September 26: 5 miles – outside

September 24: 3.1 miles – treadmill

September 23: 5 miles – outside

September 22: 5 miles – outside