my share

Gosh, was it really that long ago? Nearly 28 years. Yes, somedays, it truly seems that long ago and other days, as if it were yesterday. My memories, sometimes, so close I have difficulty breathing thru the choking grief. Other times, you are very far away – sometimes as if you were never there. And yet, you were. So many of your traits, both physical and not, have I inherited; your seriousness, sentimentality and a hope for goodness in all humans. Yes, those things are with me. A love of music and singing out loud no matter how good or not your voice is – yep, i got that too.

On occasions such as now, i cannot help but wonder how our relationship would have evolved – what would it be like today? If you were still alive, you would soon turn 68 years old. I wonder if you would have gotten healthy or continued down a sad path of self-destruction. Maybe you would have gone to therapy, turned all new-agey and led spiritual retreats. Or maybe your self-destruction would have caused us to drift and separate and become an old mother-daughter very difficult relationship.

We’ll never know. We were robbed. Or saved. Perhaps.

There were many times it was not easy to be your kid; you could be aloof, mean, hysterical, and rough. But. You were my mom. The one I went to when I hurt myself. The one I went to when I came home excited from events at school. The one to whom I said, “I love you, mom.”

I miss seeing your face and your eyes get all teary when i gave you some mushy hallmark card.

I miss being hugged.

I miss seeing your face light up, knowing I made your proud.

I miss knowing that I had you, mom.

And. So.

I thank you. For Giving Me Life.

For Giving Me Love.

For teaching me that we are all equal no matter what color or sex or if we look goofy or not goofy. Thank you for teaching me not to lie. Thank you for teaching me to stand up for what is right. For Justice. For those who need a voice.

Thank you for believing in me and for teaching me that I Could Be Anything and I Could Do Anything.

Your words did not fall on deaf ears nor did they go in one ear and out the other.

I heard you, Mom and I thank you.

With all my heart, I love you and hope you are resting in deep peace.