being alive

I am reminded that it’s Fathers Day tomorrow. A holiday that has been very much a non-event day in my life. In fact, it has usually been a day I don’t even remember or know about. But, being that marketing in our world has severally ramped up ALL holidays, I am very aware of “what to get dad for father’s day”.

I never knew you. Don’t remember you. You were gone (for whatever reason) before I could walk. In my early years, I heard a few tidbits about you; you liked sports, maybe were a baseball player, your family was from Palo Alto. That’s about it.

Over the years, maybe you tried to find me. Maybe you didn’t. I made a few half-hearted attempts to find you. A bit challenged as all I know is your first and last name. Period.

I have 2 pictures of you and I when I was not even 1 years old. I come across them occasionally and give you a thought or two. “My dad” comes up in conversation now and again, and I will be reminded of you at those times also. But, other than that, you have been a passing thought, at most. I don’t say that meanly…at all. It’s just that when you have no experience with someone, what is there to miss or have many feelings about.

But, sometimes, a little sadness does creep in and I guess that is why I am writing. And, I realize, I give this, you, No attention whatsoever. I forget. I forget that it was indeed, 2 people, who created me. This was not an immaculate conception!

So…one of the cool things about knowing nothing about you is I get to make it up. I get to make you whatever I want. How cool is that!

Of course, how can I not be a bit like you, right??? Isn’t that what they say? I’m well aware of how I am like mom….so how am I like YOU?

Well….i am NOT tall, as you seemed to be in photos. But, I do consider myself, dark and “handsome” (for a woman) so i’ve got that going for me.

Of course, I am sporty…athletic as can be. Not great at any sport in particular, but can hold my own. So, I guess you do and are too. You are also thoughtful, caring, big-hearted and have a big love of baseball. You’re a dreamer. You’re a charmer. You can be with groups, but you prefer to journey solo and be independent. You are curious and wowed by many things. Life amazes you. Not many things truly piss you off, but seeing injustices in the world, is one of them. I am with you there, dad. Big time.

You are also things I am not but wish I was….light hearted, care-free, with an ability to let things go very easily. How do you DO that??! I’m trying…learning. You are also pretty thick skinned, so i guess i got my thin-skinned sensitive self from mom. crap. Can you give me some of that?!!

One of the greatest things about you is how when you are with someone, you are truly there and give them you full attention. You don’t know how rare that is. Don’t ever lose that quality about you, ok.

So…you…Ken, Dad…what else to say? Thank you for helping to create me. Thank you for giving me life. This precious life that I do hold so dear. This life that I do find at times, both wretched and glorious. My teary eyes pool as I finish this. I am not sad. I am alive.

Tomorrow, on Fathers Day, I’ll be running through the city where you gave birth to me. Look for me ok? And give me a big cheer!

Thank you!