Love this poem

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Derek Walcott

Full Throttle

Growing bit by bit. You know that thing that kids do sometimes to track their  height progress… Find a wall, stand there and mark your height…come back 6 months, a year later to track it again….and see the new height, the higher height.

Well, I feel like I have this invisible height track monitor at work and yesterday, I noticed I had grown. A lot.

I had a meeting that I had been anxious about earlier in the week. After much preparation and some encouraging words from a friend, my anxiety was almost zero.  I prepared diligently and the meeting went great. And while it was happening, I saw myself, I heard myself and I couldn’t help but be proud of me…because I saw how far I had come in my career. And later in the afternoon, I started to reflect on the recent past.

It’s been 1 full fiscal year of transitioning and re-creating myself and career here in the Bay Area. It has been one full year of being a true solo practitioner instead of a junior partner or an assistant. It’s been about 18 months since I walked away from a work situation that no longer suited me, professionally or personally. I made the decision to jump out of a nest that felt like it was strangling me. I left a “house” that had definitely served a purpose for some time, but as I got “bigger”, all indications were that it was no longer the place for me. And it wasn’t just the external factors that were holding me back; part of it was me and my own reluctance to truly step out and up, to truly be at the helm of my own ship. Like anyone who has tried to step out on their own, there is a fair amount of fear and apprehension that must be addressed and dealt with… All part of the territory.

When I first had the guts to try to get into my career, I was an assistant and went thru the internal protocols to apply. I was then essentially turned away because I didn’t “pass” the required “personality” test. Confused, dejected and angry. I waited and tried again with new management. My 2nd time trying was met with some unusual circumstances that led to a very political and company rule book, “no.”  Crushed. I was crushed.

I waited. I tried again and was hired by the skin of my teeth. It really shouldn’t have been THAT difficult, but it was. The main thing was I was IN! I was ecstatic. To finally put my skills to work and see what I could really do!!

I was doing what I wanted to do, but I was still in a “junior” role and while it served me well for a short time, it became increasingly difficult to not be the driver of the ship. I knew I could do it. If you have been in this situation before, you know how frustrating it can be to sit back, be quiet and watch someone else do all the navigating….when you have lots of other ideas about how it can be done. One of the important lessons I have learned that when you are in partnership with someone, whether personal or work related, if you are going at different speeds, their will be conflict. I wanted to operate at rapid speeds. There was conflict.

I came to a point in my partnership where something had to give and something did give.  There was major discomfort, upheaval and dissension. I was miserable and had to break free and I did. It was not without fear, but I did it. I took the leap of faith.

And, I am doing it. I moved back home to the Bay Area and restructured my career. I have been going full throttle this last year and it has paid off! With accountability, care, dedication and focus, I am making it happen. I am enjoying a wonderful level of fulfillment that I only expect will continue. Of course, this is a not a situation without difficulties or tough times; I expect that too! And yet, I am confident in my ability to steer this ship, whether the waters are smooth, choppy or whatever they may be. I have been given the opportunity and I am making the most of it.

I never gave up on this…never gave up on this that was so important to me. I suffered setbacks and had so many reasons to walk away and try something else, but I didn’t. There were times when others doubted me and I was crushed; times when I doubted myself and I was paralyzed; times when life just didn’t go the way I had hoped…..and every time, I had to re-group and re-assess how important it was for me to keep going forward. And, I think that is what it boils down to: how much do you want it? How big is your desire? Doesn’t matter what the IT is….job, relationship, any goal…any thing. How big is your desire and what are you willing to do? Those answers lie within you. Have the courage to look with honesty and compassion. And go forward.

Hungry. Determined. Passionate.

Onward.

P.S. Dear mom and grams, I hope you both can see me from the heavens above and I hope you are proud. When I toast my success, I am toasting with you.

Oh, Peachtree…

I have not found a way to successfully “race” the Peachtree 10k Road Race. I lived in Atlanta for 13 years and ran the race 4 times as a resident. I’ve now completed my 3rd time running the event as a non-resident. It was not “easier” as a resident who had the time to acclimate. My finish times were a bit better while residing in the languishing heat and sultry humidity, but the running the race itself has always been for me an experience of knowingly putting my body under duress. Because even though I haven’t felt like I was actually “racing” like I can in other 10k races, I have always gone out there trying to do my best and go as fast as possible on the given sweaty and patriotic 4th of July morning.

It had been a rain of frequent rain before Peachtree and the forecast for race time was 100% rain forecasted. I welcomed the forecast as I LOVE to run in the wet stuff in Atlanta. I love the feel of the large, heavy drops plopping on my skin in the hot summers. While a resident, I was caught in more than a few rainstorms on my training runs and I got soaked and SOAKED in the experience on all of them. It always felt a bit magical to me….running along a quiet Atlanta street, so many trees near and far, the green leaves glistening in the distance and the rain pouring down in front of me. AHHHHHH…..no where near a nuisance, but a gentle companion (except those FEW exceptions when there may have been hacking thunderstorms)

So, yes, I would not have minded the rain. Unfortunately, the rain did not grace herself for us; nor did the heat. The humidity did show up, though, in full force. Temperature on race morning was about 72 degrees, 95% humidity. Ouch.

Welcome to Atlanta!

 PRE-RACE

I walked the short distance from the hotel to the starting line. Along the way, the Elite Women had begun. They were the 1st group to start. A large group of us who were walking to our respective start areas all stopped, dead in our tracks, to watch these phenomenal women athletes. The small group of women ran swiftly by us, looking like a pack of gazelles….their strides so graceful, smooth, and fast! After they passed by us, we all kinda turned to each other and smiled that “wow” smile when you witness something great! Pretty cool!

Onward toward my starting wave, Wave C, start time to be 7:41 a.m. Well, as group A began, group B and C moved up, but my area of Group C somehow got lumped in with group B, so my start time moved up 5 minutes and as such, my Garmin was not ready when I started. I had been waiting for it to calculate my position for GPS purposes, but by start time, it was still “thinking”, which was frustrating. So, I began.

Mile 1 – from Lenox Mall and through Buckhead. Flat. Just feeling my way into it. PACE Unknown

Mile 2- by now, my gps was working so I began my watch at this time. This mile is flat to downhill. At 2.8 miles, my client, who is 88, had been along the route to cheer me on. How cool is that??! I was delighted to see him. I gave him a big hug and he said, ” go get ’em, kid!” PACE 8:44

Mile 3 – the gradual then steep climb up to Piedmont Hospital and then flat for about 1/4 mile. PACE 9:07

Mile 4 – really started to feel sluggish here. thinking i probably needed more to eat than just the 1 Powerbar for breakfast. Not sure what I was thinking. Legs didn’t feel too bad, just feeling like I needed some energy. PACE 9:46

Mile 5 – always a deceptively difficult mile. looong gradual uphill mile. more sluggish. they had water stations at every mile marker and i took a few sips at each one….slowing down a little bit more at each station. PACE 10:22 (ouch)

Mile 6 – flat, short super small incline, and then downhill across the finish line. PACE 9:17

Finish Time: 58:56

Happy to have completed another Peachtree, but a bit disappointed I did not have a better finish time. While running, I actually thought it was a little faster. I just went through my computer to see what my best result was here and I CANNOT BELIEVE IT, but my best finish time at Peachtree WAS in FACT when I was a NON-RESIDENT!! I ran the race in 2003 with a finish time of 54:09

Well…what does that tell ya??!

NOTHING! Just gotta laugh.

POST – RACE

Thanks to my buddy in Sharon, in Atlanta, for hanging with me and cheering me on!