Full Throttle

Growing bit by bit. You know that thing that kids do sometimes to track their  height progress… Find a wall, stand there and mark your height…come back 6 months, a year later to track it again….and see the new height, the higher height.

Well, I feel like I have this invisible height track monitor at work and yesterday, I noticed I had grown. A lot.

I had a meeting that I had been anxious about earlier in the week. After much preparation and some encouraging words from a friend, my anxiety was almost zero.  I prepared diligently and the meeting went great. And while it was happening, I saw myself, I heard myself and I couldn’t help but be proud of me…because I saw how far I had come in my career. And later in the afternoon, I started to reflect on the recent past.

It’s been 1 full fiscal year of transitioning and re-creating myself and career here in the Bay Area. It has been one full year of being a true solo practitioner instead of a junior partner or an assistant. It’s been about 18 months since I walked away from a work situation that no longer suited me, professionally or personally. I made the decision to jump out of a nest that felt like it was strangling me. I left a “house” that had definitely served a purpose for some time, but as I got “bigger”, all indications were that it was no longer the place for me. And it wasn’t just the external factors that were holding me back; part of it was me and my own reluctance to truly step out and up, to truly be at the helm of my own ship. Like anyone who has tried to step out on their own, there is a fair amount of fear and apprehension that must be addressed and dealt with… All part of the territory.

When I first had the guts to try to get into my career, I was an assistant and went thru the internal protocols to apply. I was then essentially turned away because I didn’t “pass” the required “personality” test. Confused, dejected and angry. I waited and tried again with new management. My 2nd time trying was met with some unusual circumstances that led to a very political and company rule book, “no.”  Crushed. I was crushed.

I waited. I tried again and was hired by the skin of my teeth. It really shouldn’t have been THAT difficult, but it was. The main thing was I was IN! I was ecstatic. To finally put my skills to work and see what I could really do!!

I was doing what I wanted to do, but I was still in a “junior” role and while it served me well for a short time, it became increasingly difficult to not be the driver of the ship. I knew I could do it. If you have been in this situation before, you know how frustrating it can be to sit back, be quiet and watch someone else do all the navigating….when you have lots of other ideas about how it can be done. One of the important lessons I have learned that when you are in partnership with someone, whether personal or work related, if you are going at different speeds, their will be conflict. I wanted to operate at rapid speeds. There was conflict.

I came to a point in my partnership where something had to give and something did give.  There was major discomfort, upheaval and dissension. I was miserable and had to break free and I did. It was not without fear, but I did it. I took the leap of faith.

And, I am doing it. I moved back home to the Bay Area and restructured my career. I have been going full throttle this last year and it has paid off! With accountability, care, dedication and focus, I am making it happen. I am enjoying a wonderful level of fulfillment that I only expect will continue. Of course, this is a not a situation without difficulties or tough times; I expect that too! And yet, I am confident in my ability to steer this ship, whether the waters are smooth, choppy or whatever they may be. I have been given the opportunity and I am making the most of it.

I never gave up on this…never gave up on this that was so important to me. I suffered setbacks and had so many reasons to walk away and try something else, but I didn’t. There were times when others doubted me and I was crushed; times when I doubted myself and I was paralyzed; times when life just didn’t go the way I had hoped…..and every time, I had to re-group and re-assess how important it was for me to keep going forward. And, I think that is what it boils down to: how much do you want it? How big is your desire? Doesn’t matter what the IT is….job, relationship, any goal…any thing. How big is your desire and what are you willing to do? Those answers lie within you. Have the courage to look with honesty and compassion. And go forward.

Hungry. Determined. Passionate.

Onward.

P.S. Dear mom and grams, I hope you both can see me from the heavens above and I hope you are proud. When I toast my success, I am toasting with you.

A Slooooo Start

“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know”

So. 2013 has not started exactly the way I had hoped…on December 26th, I got sick with the flu. It lasted for about 2 weeks and since then, I have been experiencing much achiness and fatigue. I feel like the damn thing just flattened me. And it did. I haven’t missed any work, but left early many days. My weekends, up until this current weekend, have basically been spent on the couch/bed. Not feeling the physical energy to do much for such a long time now has been quite the challenge.

I love being active. Of course, I love to run. But, I also love just having the energy to go about my day with some zest! During the past month, i have felt depressed, angry, agitated, cranky, irritable. I have done my best every day to be patient with my body as it clearly has a course of its own to run. I went to the doctor, had some blood work done just to be thorough….all came back normal. More patience with just what is….

I have not experienced this kind of sickness since about late 1990’s, so it’s been even the more challenging. I have been running about 3-5 days a week for about 15 years, so to have such a lengthly delay has been bubble bursting in so many ways. Some people will understand it and others won’t. And, that’s ok. Running makes me feel alive in a way that nothing else does. If you have read my blog for a while, you probably get it.

And…I’m trying to see the positives in all this. My flaw has been I do not give myself enough time to rest after big races and I had 2 big races last year. I know I am guilty of not enough rest. And part of me sees this delay as learning a lesson in this regard. I’m absorbing the lesson. Sometimes, after a big race, I’m so excited i just can’t wait to keep going for the next thing. But, there’s another lesson here too: to truly embrace my current self-accomplishment. Too often these past few years, I have not allowed myself to just “enjoy the after…” And, I think that is part of the nature of the mentality of runners…to keep re-setting their goals. Believe me, I am all for goal-setting, but i am getting the other lessons here too.

So, where am I now? Well, after a full month of little to no physical exercise. I am basically starting from zero. For example, I ran for 10 minutes on Friday and walked for 5 minutes.

Yesterday, I ran 2 miles and walked 5 minutes.

Hard to understand I ran a marathon in October. I could not run 5 miles right now. And….that is ok. I will get back. Smartly.

I remain positive and upbeat and ever determined.

Onward.

2012 Recap

Time to look back on the year of 2o12. A year of much, much change. A move across the country, a new job, a new relationship. Major events in my life. Here’s how the running went down.

January – in the early part of the month, I prepared to make my cross country move from Atlanta back home to San Francisco. I had a new relationship and was brimming with excitement. I was also full of angst and upset over a job I voluntarily departed. Leaving Atlanta was a big decision as my years there were so rich and significant in so many ways. And yet, It was time to go. To move on. In more ways than one.

By January 23, I was on the road, headed west. Over the next 10 days, I drove some of my belongings across our great country and stopped in a few places to stretch my legs and breathe in the air. I was able to run some miles in Oxford, Mississippi; Oklahoma City, Oklahoma; Flagstaff, Arizona (2x); and Las Vegas, NV (treadmill). My favorite runs were in Flagstaff. The temperatures were cold and my breathing labored in the higher elevation town, but i still loved it. A great little town in Northern Arizona.

January Miles: 75

February – February 1, I touched down in the bay area. Specifically, Petaluma, CA, where I would make my new home. Surrounded by old friends and a new love, I was pretty darn happy. And, for the first time in many, many years, I was without employment. That lasted all of about 2 weeks until I landed a new one and a great one, at that!

My feet and legs went to explore the streets of my new town in ways that I had never done before. I ran all over Petaluma and found that it was mostly flat and to to get any kind of hills, I had to seek them out. This was in stark contrast to Atlanta where hills are everywhere and flatlands are hard to find. It was refreshing to run in a new place and find my way around and notice new things. I spent the last weekend of the month in Ashland, OR and was able to run there as well. A post-snow run day was pretty fun.

Februray Miles: 54

March – I had signed up for a trail race so i needed to get some proper training in for this upcoming event. The only place to run trails in Petaluma is Helen Putnam Park. A good park to run in with mostly single-track, but it is not that big of a space so to run long miles (+6), you will be going over some of the same trails more than once. I was getting settled in to my work environment and looking for a place to live.

March Miles: 71

April – in preparation mode for a 7 mile trail race in Muir Woods which was mid month. A fantastic race. Just love running in that area. After the race, I began using a training program NIKE had designed for me to help me break 2 hours in the half-marathon distance. I started incorporating intervals and very specific strength training exercises into my training. Also started fooling around with Tennis and found I really enjoy it. But, wow…patience, patience, patience is needed on the court.

April Miles: 35

May – A month of shorter, faster runs. Continually saw my pace in the 8:30-8:40 per mile mark and was happy with this. Traveled to NY for work for a week and was very tough to keep up the running due to very long work days. Not fun sitting all day and then being too wiped out to exercise, but I did a little. A bit more tennis and more interval training.

May Miles: 52

June – at the beginning of the month, I had flown back to Atlanta to visit clients and also gather the rest of my belongings. I had to drive a Penske Truck from Atlanta back to SF. My 2nd cross country trip in 6 months. Whew!!! It was definitely not as fun or as fast as driving my BMW!! I took a different route this go around and ran in Dallas, Texas; Amarillo, Texas, and Las Vegas, Nevada. I was so happy when I got home and had NO MORE DRIVING TO DO! I joined a great local gym and was feeling good about my fitness level.

June Miles: 54

July – Early in the month was the heart of my 1/2 marathon training. I was feeling good about my pace, but wasn’t sure i had gotten in enough in enough long mileage. Prior to race day, my longest run was only 10 miles. But, otherwise, i was feeling good going into race day and knew I would have to push hard and trust myself. Race day was on July 29th and what a day it was. My previous best had been 2:01 and change. I achieved my new PR on July 29th at the SF Half Marathon with a finish time of 1:58:42. I was over the moon delighted. Can’t tell you what this meant to me. And to be back running in my hometown, with my love at the finish line…nothing better. A magical day!

July Miles: 65

August – bought these superfly new Nike shoes. Nike Flyknit. Super light, awesome and fun to run in. 

Fresh off the high from the race, I wanted to run another one. The NIKE SF WOMENS MARATHON was coming up in a few months, but already sold out. Luckily for me, I entered into a raffle for an entry and won. Decision made. I was going. OMG. I had about 8 weeks to prepare and was definitely nervous about the quick back to back. (although I realize some people run marathons every weekend, this was a lot for me, especially since I pushed my body so hard for the Half.) I got myself in gear and kept my expectations in check and went took to the roads.

August Miles: 70

September – full on training for full marathon mode! And, I celebrated my 42nd birthday!! Again, was feeling good overall, but did not get in super long runs. Longest run pre race day was 16 miles. However, I felt steady and solid and mentally ready to keep pushing. It helped that i scaled down my expectations. All I wanted was to toe the line and be there and have a decent finish. A PR was out of the question.

September Miles: 111

October – Race month. The big day was Oct 14th, again in San Francisco. Another fantastic race experience. I actually was feeling pretty strong until around mile 20. I was also on good pace until then so I know my long run of just 16 miles was what had hurt me. Had I been able to get in an 18 or 20 miler in during training, i think I would have had a better finish time. However, I was still fine with the 4:24 finish. My 8th marathon was done and I was super happy!

Later in the month, spent some time up the north coast in Sea Ranch and Gualala. Small, quaint little communities. A great quiet get-a-way! And, I even went swimming for the first time in ages!

Last but not least, The SAN FRANCISCO GAINTS won the WORLD SERIES. I had been at Game 7 of the NLCS and that is a time I will never forget. Bottom of the ninth inning, the game was already won, cold & rainy at the park, everyone soaked and just screaming at the top of our lungs. What a freakin’ blast!

October Miles: 66

November – I tried to take it easy during the month and really rest, but that didn’t happen. I “should” have taken maybe 2-3 full weeks off, but I didn’t. I had some days where I wasn’t truly enjoying myself, but i still didn’t rest. On the positive side, I had an awesome Thanksgiving holiday. One of the best I have had in many, many years. Surrounded by love, new and old friends. A happy day.

November Miles: 52

December – last month of 2012. not a whole lot to say. Some running, but not a lot and some of the runs were uninspiring. A few were great and those were back on the trails at Helen Putnam Park. Rainy, cold days and it felt great! Unfortunately, late in the month, I noticed my chest was hurting. Weird, i thought. Well, a week or so later, I developed some kind of flu or something and am still recovering from this about 10 days later. I think I am at the end of it, but there’s no way I can run. I tried that and got set back even worse. I will wait for some good signs from my body and not push it. Its tough as I am becoming excited and anxious about getting back out there and trying to reach new goals. But, I cannot afford to get re-sick, so slow and easy is the plan for right now.

December Miles: 48

As I recapped this year, i am surprised to find i only participated in 3 races. It seems like I trained for more than that! Looking back, I found real value in the NIKE TRAINING PROGRAM. I believe it helped me increase my overall fitness and I enjoyed the program. For that race, I really needed to focus more on speed and I did and it helped me reach my goal! Highlight of the year in my running world. I’m continually learning about quantity versus quality. It’s so important and I know I have more to learn. I would like to spend more time cross training with cycling, swimming, tennis and maybe even yoga. I have more and more thoughts swirling in my head, but that will be for later. I’ll end this now, grateful for the year. Grateful to be alive and with an abundance of love and goodness. Need to be sure to continue to let it all in and believe i deserve it. That’s the challenge.

Thanks for following along and wishing you all the best in 2013. Go Get After IT.

Running Renaissance

Not sure why or how, but lately it sure seems I am experiencing a running renaissance. This may come as a surprise to some of you. So, let’s look at what renaissance means: A renewal of life, vigor, interest.

As you might recall, I had such a tough summer of training. No need to go into any further details since it has all been already documented here.

The Fall rolled around and I felt I barely made it to SF for the half marathon on my birthday in Sept. Then, I thought….I am going to rest. Just chill and take a break from the running for a while. Well, what is “awhile”?

In my mind, I thought I would try to not run at all for about a month. Well, that didn’t happen. I just couldn’t sit still. Plus, the Fall is such an awesome time to be outside. The temperatures cool, the humidity falls away and becomes nonexistent. How could I not want to be running in this weather?? And, I feel that FALL running sorta adds it’s own natural/organic inspiration. The scenery, the environment completely changes and it’s such a natural time of reflection and contemplation. The air seems fresher, cleaner and like I can breathe deeper. So, I’ve been taking deeper breaths as I am rounding the corners and crunching on leaves and feeling the Fall air on my arms, face, fingers.

I feel my legs moving more swiftly as I tackle the hills of the Atlanta neighborhoods. My legs feel lighter, my entire body feels lighter, even weightless at times. I face the hills and I am running up them with a quickness that has surprised me. I am getting to the tops with less effort than I remember from the past. Most of my runs have all beeen with negative splits, which feels awesome! Where has all this come from?
I’m sure part of it is the volume has come way down! Today, for the first time ever, I thought back to the summer training and do believe I ran a bunch of junk miles. JUNK MILES = miles just to get in miles thinking I needed more when in fact I didn’t. An important lesson.
I didnt know it then, but I can recognize it now and apply this to my future training.
Perhaps part of this “renaissance” I am experiencing is also due to the break in a specific goal or a specific race in mind. I think I needed the break from that kind of self inflicted pressure. Looking back to the first 6 months of the year as I tried to break 2 hours in the half marathon distance….I put a lot of pressure on myself to accomplish it. Came close, but failed. Then, immediately afterwards, signed up for the full marathon and summer training. More pressure. In the midst of all this self inflicted pressure was also dramatic changes in my work life that came with real external pressure. I think it all just got to me. Now, for the record, let me clarify: I actually like pressure. Like the challenge of it. However, like everything in life, there is a limit and I definitely bumped up against mine. And obviously, I like goals and setting them, etc…. I just needed a break from them since I had a specific running goal for about 9 months.

So, since my last race in Sept, I have been running, but without any specific goal. As of today, there is no race on my calendar. In the last month or so, I have not gone any distance over 6 miles. The coolest part about all this is that I am running FASTER without much extra effort. In fact, I feel like I have NOT focused on effort much at all. Just going out running…I have felt loose, free, light and my mind feels quieter while on the roads.

So, yes. I feel a renewal. See ya on the roads. Lace ’em up!