these days

Sometimes, I’m on the trail. I’m surrounded by rocks, dirt, branches, fallen leaves, dusty trails. Ferns, Eucalyptus, Redwoods. My breathing labors as I climb the steepness, as I ascend over the fallen tree trunk, up the built in staircases. My eyes widen with joy and awe as I come to an opening and can see the Blue of the Pacific. She is mighty & fierce and calm and I need all of her attributes as I continue on these trails that push my limits and make me question my capabilities. They humble me. They challenge me. Their crookedness reminding me of my own and how the imperfect is so beautifully perfect…how it need not be straightened. They remind me of how small and insignificant I am….and then show me how big and valuable I am. I am not either or. I am both.

Sometimes, I am on the road. The steady, flat, straightforward path allows for a different kind of focus; a bit more lazily as one foot is placed in front of another. The energy of a quiet Sunday fills my lungs as does the cool November air. That late fall breeze gives a welcoming chill as it crosses my face, my chest. My eyes water, just a bit, from the force of nature, from the utter exuberance of the moment. I want to feel it all, embrace it all.

Drink up!

for the joy

for the past few weeks, the running has been a time and place of pure joy. exhilaration. I lace up. I go roam with intention, with curiosity, with abandon, with determination, with freedom.

I enter into a place that is just for me, but makes me better for my life, for others.

I zone out, but zoom in.

Every sense feels on high alert. The smells on the trails permeate and refresh me after hours inside a boxy office. The beauty of all the enormous trees…so generous in their gift of shade, solace, inspiration…of respite from a world of pavement, buildings, stores, stuff…

my eyes awakened and renewed by seeing a blue bird whizzing by and the deer who startled me today. there she was just SITTING there at a switchback junction as if she was saying, “oh, hello.”

I, who has a habit of looking down, have to remind myself to look up…look up and what do i see…i see the Pacific Ocean out beyond…on this very warm late September day…i see the serene looking blue waters and want to keep running to her…i want to dive into her calmness, her consistency, her vastness.

My eyes so attune to this trail; my familiarity with it still growing, even after all these years, all these miles. My friend, my companion…

The roots, jagged rocks, smooth sections, dry, cracked hardened areas, the stairs…the never ending stairs and the ones that are slipped in here and there just to keep you honest, on balance. Talk about having to be and stay present. This is it. The place where attention is demanded, not just merely suggested. Stay present or you might miss the amazing beauty that falls upon you.

My ears activated by my own breathing, the rapid increase of expiration as I try to go faster up and up and up. Aroused by the simple stillness and quiet of a path with, at least for now, had no other runners.

As thankful as I am for a body that allows me to experience this movement, i am equally grateful to have all my senses in working order so that I may live and appreciate ALL OF THIS. Grateful for a heart that beats…

Life happens

Wow. What’s that saying “be careful what you ask for, you just might get it?” Um….YEAH! If you refer to my previous post, you will understand; I just got what I put out there…
(The meaning of my previous post was related to a few different things, but a new dwelling spot was definitely one of them)
I wrote the post on Thursday. I perused Craigslist a few times during the week and nothing really struck me, except for a house in the same town I live in…only about 1 mile from current location. The pictures were ok, and the location was good; the price would be something to consider. I figured I would swing by and check it out after my run on Friday. Friday rolls around and I got a good 5 miler in around town. After breakfast at a nearby cafe, I drove by the rental. A fella was in the driveway doing some work and I asked him about it…he/wife live next door and they are renting it. Go and take a look, he said. I walked in and I knew. I knew it was right. From the 1st few steps…I guess you could say it was “love at first sight.” Airy, well-lit, cozy, all new appliances, floors, huge back yard, etc…2 bedroom house. I was super excited and felt like I had to contain some of my enthusiasm because I thought…”wow, this is too quick…it’s happening too fast…wait, wait…” (Ever been there??) Enjoyed talking with the fella, took an application & exited. I grabbed a friend and drove her over to get her opinion.

“It’s adorable. You have to take it.”

After some financial advising of my own self, I applied. And to make a short story even shorter, it’s mine. To find good, available, “affordable” rental property anywhere in Bay Area, let alone where I live, is always iffy. I am thrilled. Delighted. And, once again, struck with how life happens, how the universe works, how I can create what I want. How WE ALL can!

Sometimes, life isn’t very complicated and mysterious. Sometimes it’s just really easy and simple: get clear on what you want, put it out there, receive it. Easy.

I can’t help but think of my whole “small ring” bike story…..

Something different

The in between. I feel like I am in the in between. Between here and there. In this moment, I am not anxious, worried, scared. I am calm, curious, open. I am allowing. I am not stressed. I am not aching over what’s been “lost”…or what’s just been….the past. I am not looking in the rear view mirror, over my shoulder. My view is ahead, up, forward. This place now seems temporary, transitional. A place that has held me as my innerds readied for something bigger, brighter. I am no longer looking for a place to cradle and protect the lost, hurt, abandoned parts. I am open to a place of air, light, & room to expand myself, my SELF; a place to unleash more of me and invite more of others In. I want to fill the corners with energy and goodness, and maintain my minimalistic nature. A place of comfort, of creativity; a place to elaborate on the senses and capture the in and out beauty. I am looking for a place. To softly land.

Sunday 7/27

Sunday morning rolled around and after a minor debate in my head about where to run (Marin trails of from home base), I opted the latter. I laced up the HOKA HUAKA (who-ah-ka) shoes for the 2nd day in a row and hit the streets. The morning was almost an exact replica of the day before…clear skies, sun already heating things up a bit at 930am…
Once again, I headed up and over Western and straight ahead. This time, I hung a left on Chileno Valley, the country, rolling road that lead me to the West entrance to Helen Putnam Park. Immediately, I opted for the steepest trail, so steep that I have yet to be able to run this part…I would love to know the degree of steepness. This part is wide, super dry and I’m alternating between hands on quads and not, my breathing is heavier, sweat pouring more frequently and I can hear only my own steps and my own life force….Damn! I love this! I push forward to the top, rewarded with beautiful sweeping views of west petaluma. Catching my breath, I start to run again and make my way down the backside of the park along a windy, downhill narrow trail. I’m back on pavement and already thinking of going cycling after….
2 more miles and I’m back home, changing into my cycling stuff, downing some First Endurance ULTRAGEN and getting my butt in the saddle. I know I am pushing it as I plan to ride the 25.5 mile loop I did 2 weeks ago….but, I just want to. I just wanted to keep being outside, keep moving my body, keep feeling my body working. So. I did.

Locked into my pedals, I headed off on the SpringHill-Chileno Valley route. (man, I hope this doesn’t re-aggravate my hip, hamstrings . Felt good to be on the bike after 2 weeks. Felt good to propel my being forward with the help of this mechanical instrument. And, now that I am wiser and know I can use the small chainring, climbing the hills was a helluva lot easier. Still challenging, but not killing me. I could feel right away that this ride would be slower since I tagged the run on already…but I didn’t care. I kinda got into a meditative space….hard not to when it was just me, the land, the occasional passing vehicle, the sporadic herd of cows, and the open sky that let’s me dream and fantasize, that allows for being in the moment and appreciation, that offers the undaunted optimism I try to carry with me, in my core, in my soul.
I was a little more than half-way on the route, when another cyclist came up beside me….Jason! My buddy who rode this route with me last time! He was on his way home….would be riding a total of 80 miles today!! Fun to see him and ride the rest of the way together. It was just delightful & beautiful all the way around. The sun was beating down on us, with only an occasional splash of soft wind. With about a mile left, he left my side for his way home. Just over the hill, my wheels turned up on the sidewalk in front of my home. Sunday workout complete and feeling FULL!

Damn! I love to move and everyday I am grateful for my health! All parts feeling good!

Hope you are getting outside, stretching your heart, pushing your limitations. Why not?

Saturday 7/26/14

Saturday: a cloudless blue sky, west side heat rising and I am out the door 2 hours later than I wanted. No doubt, the extra time with head on pillow did my full body some good.
I look out at the quiet streets…to the right, to the left, and then go in the direction that called me again, the route that beckoned me forth….to the right.
Wearing my newly purchased HOKA HUAKA shoes for the 3rd time, I am slowly becoming familiar with their feel on my feet, with my stride in these new kicks. All the while, hyper cognizant of what my hamstring is telling me….I sense it continuing to feel better, looser, and so I proceed ahead with a little less caution.
In full sun exposure, cap down, I head up and over the 1st hill that takes me to the other side….where the quiet dominates and the cows roam; where the golden grass on the hillsides lies so still in this mid summer elevated heat. The houses become fewer and fewer as I make my way up the steep slope that is SpringHill. My legs now slowing moving up this lumpy, broken, pot-hole filled country road. Passing my Eucalyptus tree marker from last week, I rise just a bit more to my new benchmark and turn around. I have a plan, a goal…

 

My legs welcome the descent and follow the route from last Saturday. Running past a lavender farm, & broken, empty sheds, the small rolling hills and I are becoming friends. Fast. I’ve seen you here before.

Greedily, I suck down and swallow my hammer nutrition gel and am thankful for it and the water to slosh it down. Water. Such a necessity.

Straight ahead and then to the right…Passing a home where once an unforeseen romance blossomed across coasts, cookies were made, and love shook the soul…

After the straightaway, I hang a right and am back among the busy-ness of a road that begs for attention. My meditation is over, my life is more at stake here on the busy bodega highway.

Down and away I run at a faster clip on this final downward sloping mile to the place I call home….

An easy 6 in the log book….

everyday people

Just have some thoughts wanted to put out there…thinking about Heroes/Heroic people or actions. The definition of a HERO  (via dictionary.com): “a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.” 

Hmmm….just a few days ago, I dined for lunch with a colleague whom I do not know well. During our conversation, I mentioned that I lived alone. Her response: “wow! that’s brave.” Of course, I was shocked to hear her say “brave”. But to her, maybe it was just that…BRAVE. Perhaps she is afraid to be alone or live alone or whatever. No judgement. I just thought her choice of word, “brave” was interesting.

So often we hear the media refer to people as brave or heroic because of a particular action they took and often times (perhaps too much) athletes are assigned with this “hero” title.  Yet, if we look at the definition, “distinguished courage or ability” couldn’t that be applied to so many people? Don’t we all possess some distinguishing ability? I believe we do. We may not be admired for it because we are not of “celebrity” status….someone did not take a video of us in our “distinguished ability” and post it on YouTube for the world to see. We remain hidden heroes, so to speak, except to the people in our immediate lives who witness our abilities.

Perhaps the hero is the mother who has to hold down 2 minimum wage paying jobs because that’s the only way to make ends meet. Maybe it’s the father who is clinically depressed after his child has been killed in school….but gets up day after day to care for his other child and his wife, because that’s what he is supposed to do. Maybe he is a hero because he didn’t fall into the deep dark place of no return and become a zombie of a person after such tragedy. Maybe the hero is the hospice nurse whose daily job is to care for those individuals who are in the final days of life. He/She must be that person, by their side, day after day….witnessing them and facing death. That’s her job. Maybe the hero is the person with only 4 quarters in their pocket but is willing to give half of it away. Maybe the hero is not just the guy/gal who can perform multiple slam dunks, hit a 3 run-homer, score the winning goal, run the 2:05 marathon…

Maybe it’s the female attorney handling a arduous criminal case, testing her every capability, working 10-12 hour days and still makes time to make her family feel super special. Maybe it’s the spouse who always remembers the kind of chocolate you like: dark with almonds.

Maybe the hero is you.

accountability

Accountability. Where do we learn this? How do we stay focused on this? Naturally, it is a learned behavior, pretty early on in life and then practiced throughout one’s lifetime. Often times, we have someone or someones to be accountable to….our parents/guardians, teachers, friends, loves, spouses, bosses, clients, kids, etc…

I believe the person we have to be accountable to the most is our own Self. Yes, with a capital S. Why not? If you are not accountable, what are you? If you don’t hold yourself in high regard, what are you? If you are not able to be there for yourself and hold your own, what are you? We are all more capable than we can imagine. I look around the world and see people accept and live with such mediocrity, such complacency….and all I want to do is get as far away from these things as possible. My life has never and will never be about either of those things…of settling for the mediocrity of anything. And, I am the one truly accountable for this. No one else. Even if I had tons of family or kids…it would still be me. No one else lives in my shoes, thinks what I think, has to go thru my day to day things. We are all on our own. Essentially. People fill in and can be and are complimentary, but no one else is gonna do it for us. We must do it. You want something? Go get it. No one will just hand it to you. Work for it. Earn it. Enjoy the “hunt”. Of course there will be times when we all wish it was easier. I am not immune from this. But if it was easy, chances are you wouldn’t want it. These words are not for everyone. Some people are just not very internally motivated or ambitious or driven or whatever. No judgement. We are all different. But if you are someone who is aiming, who is reaching, who is going for IT….Keep Going…Keep doing your thing. Get up every day and make a little bit of progress. It’s not about hitting a grand slam every day….it’s single after single after single. You will have success, whatever that means to you, but it must be earned. Enjoy the challenge. Let it feed you. Let it lift you up. You want something? Make a stand. Show up. Be accountable. To YOU.

Things I am thinking about, learning, re-learning, pondering….

Trust gets built with integrity, truth-telling, keeping promises and commitments.

Don’t give trust before it’s earned.

People may not be able to give you love and when that happens, it has nothing to do with you. It’s not personal. It has no bearing on your ability to be loved. None whatsoever.

How will you show up with the people in your life?

Let’s stay away from judgement. Isn’t there so much of it? We don’t need to judge (others, ourselves) we can just be in truth….whatever the truth of the moment is….no should’ve, could’ve, would’ve…

We get caught in telling people who we need, wish or expect them to be rather than asking them/finding out who they are!

Deliberately nurture trust.

Isn’t a life of honesty better than a life of commonality?

Are you hiding parts of you, all of you? Why? What would it look like to come out of hiding?

An infant and a mother are more connected than I ever knew. Obviously, it starts in the womb….so connected. The growing baby senses everything…anxiety, fear, disconnectedness, love, joy…and this all has an impact on the developing brain.

Trauma is anything that happens to us that is against our nature.
What is your true nature! Are you going with this or against it?

Crying expresses a need.
Everything boils down to fear or love.

If someone if jealous of your success, what you have, etc…they are not really jealous, they are afraid. Afraid they will not “have” the same.
It’s important to learn abundance. There is so much abundance out there. “Success”, love, etc…is not only for a few….we can all have this. We are not shut out from anything unless we shut ourselves out.

Let got of your agenda for other people and what they should or shouldn’t do. It’s not your path. It’s theirs. Let them follow their own path and go with their own nature. Allow.

You are not your fear. You are not your anger. You are not your pain.

Everyone is doing the best they can, at any moment, with what they know right then and there.

What if you could expand your capacity to grow? You could expand your brain? Your heart? Your capacity for love? Forgiveness?

Being controlling = being afraid. Let go of the outcome.

If you want to heal, you have to tell the truth. All of it.

Forgiveness comes from an open heart and without condition, or it doesn’t come at all.

Our pain is our pain. It just is. We SUFFER when we believe we shouldn’t have it!

You can create a new story any minute you chose to do so.

Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone wants to be seen. And, being seen….it’s the most amazing thing in the world.

On Failure

Think about this next time you think about failure;

“Fail boldly. The more you take on, the more you will fail. But, the more you fail, the more you will learn – and the more you will succeed.
You have to hate failing. If you don’t mind failing, you’re never going to succeed – there will be nothing there to make you want more.
Failing makes you see yourself as your truly are, and where you can take yourself.
It’s better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.”
– Dean Karnazes

I have failed. Big. Boldly.
I remain hungry. Unremittingly so.