i don’t need dirt to be a gardner

“So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers”

I read this in a piece somewhere a long time ago and it always stuck with me. If you know me, you know I am no gardner. I have no interest in the field, so to speak, and truth be told, when I ever do get flowers, they die from lack of needed attention. I LOVE flowers, I’m just not very good at tending to them.

OK..so even though I don’t dig around in the dirt I am very much my own kind of planter. I’ve been planting particular seeds now for about 3-4 years and today was one of those days where I could see the growth of those seeds. It struck me when I wasn’t looking; I was completely absorbed in what I had been doing, and yet the absorption was exactly how I was able to see the growth. I was teaching a new investment class to a group of seniors. I was so absorbed that I forgot my SELF; forgot about how I looked or what I would say or worried I would leave something out or misspeak…I was just doing. At one point, as I was writing on the dry erase board and feeling excited about the class and topic/discussion, I said, “AHH, I LOVE talking about this stuff!”

As I went along, it dawned on me just how well i knew my subject matter and how much more articulate I was than even 1 year ago, not to mention 3 years ago. I also noticed how comfortable I felt…like I belonged. If there is one main thing I truly struggle with, its that…feeling a sense of belonging. In my profession, I do now feel like I belong. I feel legitimate. I am smart and educated through “books” and also thru life on the “street”. Believe me, it has taken a loooong time to feel like I belonged in this profession and I feel like I have definitely earned it.

After class was over, several people thanked me and a few asked “Will you be here next week? Can we talk more next week?”  One gentleman in the class is someone I know from previous encounters. He stayed after everyone else had left, gave me a big hug and smile and said how he was happy to see me again and that he enjoyed the class. I was filled with joy; a smile on my face and a hop in my step as I made my way thru the parking lot to my vehicle.

It was quite a cool morning.

p.s. i’m still running. gonna wait til i have a race in mind to talk more about that….

I was but a witness

Walking in to Starbucks, I wasn’t feeling quite right; I had not eaten well and the icy, snowy conditions of the city had gotten me all off balance. I grabbed some mixed nuts along with the tall coffee and scanned the room for a place to sit. Fat Chance. Ansley Mall location is one of the busiest in the Atlanta area for Starbucks. Add in a snow day when nothing else is open and finding an open table is just not gonna happen. So, I walked outside and sat at an empty table. 34 degrees didn’t feel too bad earlier when I had run to and from work, but sitting in it now was not too fun. I rose and peeked inside; nope, no available tables or even a chair.

After just a few more minutes, two guys exited and I figured they had to have just vacated a table. I jumped up, made my move inside and secured an empty table. YAY. So, there I sat with my coffee, New York Times, & bag of mixed nuts. My body was still trying to get settled. I began reading some work research and occasionally I glanced up. When I did, I noticed the table in front of me to my left. At first, I wasn’t sure if the two individuals were men or women. They both had been heavily clothed; one had their head held down and was simply sitting there and the other was turned sideways with a large scarf around the neck. After watching them for a few moments, I saw they were women. The one who had her head down was intermittently sleeping and every now and again would open her eyes and pretend to read the paper in front of her. When I saw her eyes, I saw absolute fatigue, utter exhaustion. She was also shivering. Shivering as if she had been cold for days rather than just now coming in from the outside. You and I don’t know that kind of shivering and I pray we never do.

I caught a glimpse of the other ones’ eyes; soft, young. She had been sitting very still while reading the newspaper. There were no coffee cups or other pieces of evidence they had actually purchased anything. Obviously, they came in seeking shelter from the bone-chilling, wicked weather. Looking around the room, people were using their laptops, playing cards, conversing…and I wondered how many others noticed these two ladies. I thought of how I almost didn’t notice them. My thoughts drifted to where I would go when I left Starbucks; I was going to dinner across the street and then going home to my warm house. I wondered where they would go. Did they know where they were headed after the early 5:30pm coffee shop closing?

As I prepared to leave, I first went to their table and asked, “Can I get y’all some hot chocolate or something?” Immediately, they both looked up at me, smiled and said, “oh, yes, Thank you.” Me; “Or coffee, do you want coffee?” The ladies, brighter, “Oh, Yes, Coffee. Thank you so much” Me; “ok. I will get y’all some coffee.”

I walked up to the counter and ordered 2 grande coffees. As I was waiting, I reached into my pocket and pulled out two $20 bills. I grabbed a coffee and a $20 bill in each hand and went back to their table. I set the coffee and the money on the table and said, “this is for you. take care of yourselves.” They looked at me and smiled big. Then, they each gave me a hug and said “thank you.” “God bless”, I said “take care of yourself.”

I walked out. I was half-smiling. So shaken was I, so touched was I, I nearly burst into tears.

Up to the Mountain

I went up to the mountain cuz you asked me to

Up over the clouds, to where the sky is blue

I could see all around me, everywhere

I could see all around me, everywhere

Sometimes I feel like I’ve never been nothin but tired

and I’ll be workin to the day I expire

Sometimes I lay down

No more can I do

Then I go on again

Because you asked me to

-Patty Griffin

for goodness sakes

what matters:

a good hug

good coffee

a good book

good sex

a good pen

a good showerhead

a good cheese

a good wine (to go with good cheese, of course)

a good coffee mug

a good pair of shoes

a good friend

a good blanket

a good couch

a good margarita

a good cosmopolitan

a good chat with friend

a good snuggle with the one you love

and of course, a good run